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Advice Please
Giraffe
rix_scaedu
Okay, I'm looking at polishing up this piece.  Taking Neil Gaiman's advice, what do you think is wrong with it?

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Is this the entirety of the piece?

It reads to me like the start of a story, perhaps quite an interesting one, but I can't tell without the rest of it.

It's all there is so far, so yes more writing is probably one of the things that will need to happen.

All right! If you were wanting people to privately read the rest of it, I can try and give some reasonable feedback at that point.

I think it's way premature to try to polish the intro before that though.

On the other hand, you confirmed for me that it's not a whole story yet.

That was helpful.

It feels like a novel in the works. The pitch is that this town has been surrounded by a lake filled with monsters from some secret government facility. The townfolk are isolated, deliberately. It would be a good guess that their communications are censored to prevent the Internet from having people in town run tests, etc. or perhaps this happens in an age before the Internet, i.e. around the 1950-80s.

Now you've introduced the main character as someone who grew up in the town, and the event that breaks her out of a 'daily routine', the zodiac full of hapless government agents/researchers/whatnot who get caught up in conditions more dangerous than they'd expected.

In the normal Hollywood-esque state of things, this would be followed by them dropping vague hints about some problem about to happen, her being too nosy for her own good and getting caught up in things, then an epic journey through perilous waters and monster country to reach the abandoned research station where they must activate the super-secret safeguard that will fix everything...

But this is you, I suspect you don't plan a simple action adventure. :)

My plan when I was writing it finished when we got to the archer in the canoe. :)

And I don't think I can put in a super-secret safeguard in the research station remains because I don't think they knew enough about what they were doing to make one! :)

Well, there you go, you're well on your way to subverting the cliche already!

Bibi: "So you're going to use the hidden safeguard in the lab that you thought was secret but we all knew about?"

Them: "You know about... No, sorry, we didn't put anything like that in. Nothing like this was /supposed/ to happen!"

or, "How would we have done that?"

"A nuclear self-destruct device?"

"Child, even supposing that we had had permission to install a device like that in here, what do you suppose would happen to your town if it were to go off?"

Some studying of ecology plates later...

"Oh. Oh no."

:)

Or, "That would probably have made things worse, when you consider the probable interaction of the energies involved..."

"No problem is so bad that SCIENCE can't make it even more terrible!"

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